My original thought for Europa Star’s last printed page in 2005 was to talk about the rape, theft, butchery, murder and forgery that has become a part of what we philosophically refer to as ‘life’s rich pattern’. But then I thought to myself, why write about the watch industry, the rest of the magazine is concerned with it.
So, with the holiday season upon us, I decided to talk turkey. Talking turkey usually means speaking plainly, talking of hard facts. So for all you animal lovers out there, here are a few facts, followed, as usual by some absurdity ... it’s for you to decide which is which.
The origins of the turkey are not clear. Some people believe that they were brought to Europe around 1526 by William Strickland (aka James Stewart in one of his early films) who convinced some American Indians (Anthony Quinn and Charles Bronson) to part with them for a few trinkets (Cartier and Harry Winston). Early European explorers have also been cited as their discoverers around the time of Christopher Columbus (usually played by Gérard Depardieu in France or George Clooney in the USA) and the Pilgrim Fathers (the Welsh rugby team), others are convinced that the explorer Sebastian Cabot (a heavily accented Max von Sidow) introduced them to Europe.
Whatever their origins, turkeys are not only big in the gastronomical business, but also they are the source of some strange stories. For example, did you know that in the USA there are millions of wild turkeys scurrying, clucking and gobbling around the country and to give the gun-totting population a reason to use their firearms other than on Big Mac addicts and Presidents, there are turkey hunting clubs with officially recognized turkey hunters? More importantly, it appears that having witnessed their fellow turkeys being blasted into an exploding mass of feathers, a flock of turkeys formed their own vigilante club and a posse of them attacked some US State Troopers forcing them back into the their cars. I’m not sure what happened after that, but I would like to think that the turkeys have now formed their own defence association … which is not as absurd as you might think because I read recently that an American university professor had carried out a study on the intelligence of some of the 256 million turkey population in the USA and discovered that some of his students were dumber than the turkeys. Proof of that can be seen in the cartoon on this page.
Now here’s a real turkey of a tale:
A turkey walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a cheese sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, “But you're a turkey!”
“Well now, you're very observant,” replies the turkey.
“And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
“And your hearing is good,” says the turkey, “now can I have my beer and sandwich please?”
“Certainly,” says the landlord, “I’m sorry, but we don't get too many talking turkeys in this pub. Where are you from?”
“I'm working on the building site across the road,” explains the turkey. And with that the turkey drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves the pub, returning regularly for a beer and sandwich.
Then one day the circus comes to town and the owner comes into the pub and over a beer chats with the landlord who tells him about the turkey, suggesting that it would make a great act for the circus.
“He sounds great,” says the circus owner, “get him to contact me.”
The next day when the turkey comes into the pub, the landlord says, "Hi there, I think that I’ve found a great job for you that will probably pay really well.”
“Really?” asks the turkey. “That’s interesting, where is it?”
“At the circus,” explains the landlord.
“At the circus?” the turkey says a little surprised.
“Yes, at the circus,” the landlord repeats.
“That’s the place with the big tent isn’t it, with all those animals and clowns and the big canvas tent with the hole in the middle of the roof?”
“That's right,” says the landlord.
The turkey looks confused. “So what the hell do they want with a stonemason?”
I’m afraid that’s it for another year. Keep well and have a really cool yule!


Source: December - January 2006 Issue

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